Whisky anyone?

This morning on the metro I felt like Nancy Drew. There was this guy with whom I was sharing a "pole" and I was so intrigued and eager to describe him to you, that I began to take notes on my iPod touch. I realize in retrospect that this was super creepy, but I couldn't contain myself.

I'm not even sure what it was about him, but I was confused due to the fact that I couldn't quite peg what his deal/situation was. He had huge, muscular arms, with bulging veins. He was probably in his late 40's or early 50's and dressed in a fitted sweater shirt, tucked into olive Dockers. He had a bushy beard and an army-style shaved head. What really threw me off was his choice in literature--Tina Fey's book! No Joke. Best of all, I was able to catch a glimpse of the chapter he was on and the title was "the right undergarments are an essential part of your silhouette". What?! His bookmark also made an appearance in my line of sight and it was in Russian. The only part that I did understand was:

Name: Larry
Company: ABC News

He certainly did not look like a Larry, perhaps more like a Vladimir...At his feet was a Hawaiian Trader Joe's bag with a case of lime seltzer. And believe me, this did not look like the man who drank lime seltzer, perhaps more like double vodka on the rocks straight up. I wish this anecdote ended with an answer, but it doesn't. After only 13 minutes of commuting I felt like I knew so much, yet so little about him.

I never imagined that I would be witness to any more blog worthy characters on my way home. However, I was mistaken. Very, very mistaken.

I got on the metro after work and after the usual stressful boarding of the train, I looked around, per usual, to see who I was being packed like a sardine next to. Well, exactly in front of me, once again sharing a "pole", was a man who was clearly in a bad state physically and mentally. His shirt was half unbuttoned, his zipper was down, plastic orange sunglasses hung from his face and he stunk. He smelled like he had been drinking since Jack died in Titanic. I contemplated moving, but I was on the the side of the train where the doors were not opening and there was really nowhere to move. I was hoping a few people might get off in a stop or two.

I decided to think about something else to distract myself, that was until I heard everyone around me gasp and liquid fly everywhere. After a few seconds, I finally realized that this man's backpack was unzipped and he had not one, not two, but THREE bottles of whisky in there and one had no top. So when he flung his backpack from one side to another, the booze came flying out and onto 3 or 4 suited men. All of us just gazed at one another in disbelief, it was all over the train carpet. If only we had known, maybe we would have packed some cups and pretended it was happy hour.

This man was so wasted, that you could tell no one thought it was even worth yelling at him. Luckily, I was not showered in alcohol, but shortly after, I started hearing weird noises coming from this man, groans and moans, he looked ill. I thought Jesus Christ, this man is totally going to throw up on me. I could already see myself walking home covered in vomit. It was seriously time to move. I gave my neighbor to my right a we have to move NOW or shit is going to hit the fan look and luckily she got it immediately. I shuffled as far as I could in order to not be in his line of fire.

The sounds, the smells, the idea of it all was horrifying. I kept wondering, seriously, what would I do if this man projectiles his insides on me? Does the train stop? Is it a health hazard? Does anything happen to him? Would he even notice? Would I walk home like that? Before I start making you feel sick, I will tell you that I got home vomit free. Luckily, the man got off one stop before me in quite a hurry, but not before pushing a man's chest near the doors, so hard that he almost fell. Afterwards, a passenger who was baptized in whisky told me that he thought about asking the man to pay for his dry cleaning, but clearly it was a lost cause. He knew that this was not someone you really ever wanted to see again.

Ah the beauty of commuting.

The BEST part about this picture is that I did not draw it. It came up in the search results when I googled "DC metro pole you hang onto". Yet, it perfectly conveys my sentiments.

Despite this "experience", the day was not bad at all. I was invited to a luncheon and won a weekend stay for two nights with breakfast included at the hotel where we were!! I have my heart set on my two favorite princesses in the whole wide world coming to use this amazing raffle prize soon :)

Totally unrelated, but for those of you who wish to see Tom Hanks dance on Univision: http://jezebel.com/5814415/tom-hanks-gives-impromptu-dance+filled-weather-report-on-univision